Fantasy Baseball Talk Show on KLNK Radio 666 AM  

After hearing about Mark Arum’s fantasy baseball radio show, Kevin Clancy and Jeff Waskiewicz started their own fantasy baseball call-in show.     The show was an immediate hit.     You’ll understand why after reading this transcript from one of their recent programs:    

KC:        “Welcome to KC and the Baseball Band’s Super-Genius Fantasy Baseball call-in show.   Here’s my co-host Jeff Waskiewicz.”

JW:       “I’m with you dude!    And, thanks to our millions of listeners!     You’ve made us America’s highest rated fantasy baseball

talk show.    In fact, it has been so successful that we’re broadcast internationally every night.      If you’re looking for fantasy baseball success in 2007, get your advice from America’s leading experts!     Let’s go to the phone lines.”      

Caller:  “This is Mark Arum.     I don’t get it.”

KC:        “You don’t get what?”

Arum:   “My talk show was cancelled for low ratings even though I provided great fantasy baseball advice.”         

KC:        “Obviously, you’re not a well respected radio personality … like Jeff and I.      Besides, it sounds like you’re jealous.”

Arum:   “Jealous?     I won the RSERBBL last year.      You clowns finished in 16^th and 19^th place … out of 19 owners.    

                People only listen to your show because they do the opposite of your recommendations.”    

JW:       “Just ask us a baseball question and we’ll prove you wrong.”

Arum:   “OK!     Who is Dan Uggla?”         

KC:        “Duh!     He’s the not-so-handsome long-time RSERBBL owner.     Who’s next?” 

Caller:  “Hi, I’m calling from Boston.     Suppose your league allowed you to protect players.    And, suppose you had a superstar like Alex Rodriguez coming off a so-so year?       Would you protect him?”   

KC:       “No freakin’ way dude!”     

JW:       “Nobody from Boston can protect a Yankee.   They suck.    A-Rod sucks too.”

Caller:  “Thanks for your expert advice.     I’ll keep him.”    

JW:       “What a dumb-ass!     About the only bigger dumb-ass was that RSERBBL owner who once dropped out of the league for a

year because he chose to spend Easter weekend with his family!      It wouldn’t surprise me if that guy was begging everybody

in his league to conduct this year’s draft on the weekend of April 1^st.”

Caller:  “Hey guys.    What draft strategy would you employ this year?”   

KC:        “We support you 100% dude.    We’re also against having military personnel in Iraq!”    

JW:       “Yeah, to avoid getting drafted, tell Uncle Sam that you have a disability preventing you from serving your country.”

Caller:  “I meant baseball draft strategy.     I’ve been in a fantasy league for 18 years and I’ve never won.     Some suggest there is a curse that prevents me from winning.”     

JW:       “Let me remind our callers to be more specific.    How the hell were we supposed to know this nimrod was talking about baseball?      Anyhow, you can’t go wrong with our full proof two-step strategy.    1^st Step: Look for overlooked players.”

KC:        “Yeah, if it’s the 24^th round and David Ortiz is still available, I’d take a chance on him.”

JW:        “And, if you notice that Ryan Howard and his 58 HRs went un-drafted, pick him up before somebody else notices.”     

KC:         “Yeah, something like this happened a few years ago in my league when Luis Gonzalez was not drafted after hitting 57 HRs.    Boy, the other league owners felt really dumb when I snatched up Gonzo!”

JW:       “2^nd Step: If no overlooked player stands out, pick the best player available from your favorite team.”

KC:        “Yeah, this way you get a team you like!     If first basemen of equal ability are available … like Carlos Delgado, Derrick Lee, Travis Hafner and Kevin Youkilis, Sox fans should draft Youkilis.”

Caller:  “Mr. Clancy, I’m your biggest South African fan.     Sir, I could use your help in preparing for my baseball draft.”     

KC:        “Fritz, are you begging for my help again?     This is the tenth consecutive year that you’ve pleaded for my fantasy baseball

insider tips.     But, since you show me respect, I won’t tell anyone your secret to RSERBBL success.” 

FS:         “Thanks, you’re the best!    Here’s my question.    What positions would you target in the first three rounds of a draft?”   

KC:        “Pick one starting pitcher, one relief pitcher, one power hitter and one speed demon.”

FS:         “Um, that’s four players.”  

JW:       “Hello McFly!     This dumb-ass needs your help.”    

KC:        “Fritzie boy, do I still have to explain everything to you?     Trade up and get an extra pick in round #3.      Next caller!”

Caller:  “My name is Jay Tarulli.    Suppose you had a bunch of extra draft picks.       And, suppose you were in a similar situation a

few years ago, but screwed it up.     How would overcome that barrier?”     

JW:       “That’s tough for me to answer.     I’m a consistent performer in my league.” 

JT:         “You’re consistently bad though, aren’t you?      I heard that you have the lowest all time ranking in the RSERBBL.”   

KC:        “Heh heh eh he heh heh heh.    Dude, he’s on to you.”

JW:        “Go ahead and laugh butt-licker.   I’m positioned for a run at the 2007 RSERBBL title with 12 picks in the first eight rounds.”

KC:        “I’m still laughing at you last place boy.”

JW:        “Clunk boy, shut up.”  

KC:        “No, you shut up asswipe.”

JT:         “I hate to interrupt this stirring conversation.    But, can either of you comedians answer my question?”  

JW:       “OK, overcoming that barrier is half mental, half psychological and half philosophical.     Just focus on our two fundamental drafting strategies.”     

KC:        “Half mental, half psychological and half philosophical?     I thought people from RPI could add.”

JW:       “Whatever ass-munch.    Let’s try one more caller before we hit the road.”

Caller:  “Guten tag boys!    Ich bin Wanker.   Sprechen sie baseball?”     

KC:        “Wanker, you rock!     Since you’re speaking Japanese, you must want our opinion on that new Red Sox pitcher.”

MS:       “No, I’m calling from Germany!”   

KC:        “Germany is cool.    But, it doesn’t matter where you’re calling from.    I don’t understand Japanese.”

JW:       “We’re one step ahead of you.     Every true Red Sox fan like me will take Dooshki Masukafacka with their first pick.”

MS:       “No, that’s not my question.     One owner, desperate to recover draft picks from trades made last year, offered Vlad Guerrero, Chris Carpenter, Trevor Hoffman and BJ Ryan for draft picks.    Would you cough up a middle round pick for them?”  

JW:       “Never heard of them!    So, obviously don’t trade for them.    But, I can offer you superstar Tim Wakefield.”

KC:         “Dude, wait!     Don’t give away Wakefield.      I’ll trade you my 7^th for your 12th^th for him.”     

JW:       “Wakefield is a Red Sox legend.     He’s worth more than that.    How about your 7^th for my 15^th?”

KC:         “Deal!”

JW:       “Great, I’ll send it in!    But, can you say, ‘Hook, line and sinker?’     I baited you into that trade.    I am a Master Baiter.”

KC:         “Heh heh heh eh he heh heh.   Master Baiter?     Keep your pathetic sex life to yourself monkey-spank!”

JW:        “On that note, it’s definitely time to go.     Tune back tomorrow if you want more great fantasy baseball advice.”

TWEETY AWARD WINNER

There was no runaway winner this year.     Mike Smith had a slew of extra picks, but he finished in a respectable 6^th place.     Another contender, Bob Cimini, finished in 14^th place despite having 21 picks in the top 16 rounds.        

This year’s winner honors lifetime achievement.    He could have won last year too!    Flash back to 2005:  If you were missing five of your top 10 picks, most of us wouldn’t draft a minor leaguer in the 11^th round.     That didn’t stop Rich from drafting Dallas McPherson.     Rich’s 2006 draft had more lowlights:  4^th rounder Eric Chavez hit .241, 5^th rounder Brian Giles hit fewer HRs than Greg Norton, 9^th rounder Javy Lopez was cut by two major league teams and 10^th rounder Mike Sweeney hit 8 HRs.       

If Rich has another miserable performance in 2007, this award will be renamed the DeTweety Award.  

2007 ODDS

The 19^th RSERBBL draft is scheduled for April 7^th, 2007 (or thereabouts).    Each owner was asked to explain why they should be named this year’s favorite.     The owners with the most convincing arguments are placed at the top of the list.     

The owner with the poorest argument has the poorest chance of winning.     But, he is rich any other way you look at it.