Screw the Curse of the Mormino...
DeSalvo Declares Himself as the 2004 Favorite

Sports Weekly -- By John Hunt

AP Photo- Lying in his hospital bed, Rich DeSalvo tries to figure out what went wrong last year after losing the RSERBBL for the 14th consecutive season. His off-season recovery from ten weeks of mental therapy has gone well. Despite DeSalvo’s Red-Sox-like history, he remains enthusiastic and unfazed. "This is my year! I will overcome the Curse of the Mormino to win the RSERBBL in 2004."

BOSTON, MA – Isn’t it fitting that Rich DeSalvo calls the Boston area his home? Many parallels can be drawn between his hometown Boston Red Sox and his Boston-based RSERBBL fantasy baseball team. Every year, they both try harder than anyone else to win. Every year, they both always end up saying, “Wait till next year”. Every year, the curse grows.

The big question is, “Which curse is worse?” Is it worse to not win a World Series since 1918, or is it worse to not win an RSERBBL title for 14 years? At first glance, the Curse of the Bambino appears to be worse because 85 years is a long freaking time. Upon further review though, a case can be made for the Curse of the Mormino being worse:

• The chances of randomly winning are 33% better in the RSERBBL. The chances are 1 in 20 (20 owners) in the RSERBBL, but the chances are 1 in 30 (30 teams) in major league baseball
• DeSalvo’s team is usually eliminated by Memorial Day, but the Sox usually wait until early to mid-October to get eliminated
• At least the Red Sox have won the World Series. DeSalvo has never won an RSERBBL baseball championship

The origins of the Curse of the Bambino are well known. After winning the 1918 World Series, the Red Sox sold the best player in the history of the game (Babe Ruth) to their arch-rival, the NY Yankees. Ever since, they have won none of the last 85 World Series. Zero for 85. The Red Sox have come close, but they are cursed. Just think of the fabled opponents associated with this curse: Bucky Dent, Mookie Wilson, and Aaron Boone. Heck, the curse even reared its ugly head this off season as A-Rod slipped out of the Red Sox hands and into the Yankees laps. The Curse of the Bambino will surely continue. Next year, would anyone be surprised to see free-agent-to-be Nomar Garciaparra playing 2B for the Yankees?

On the other hand, the origins of the Curse of the Mormino are not as well known. Sports Weekly found the answer while interviewing DeSalvo’s wife, Stacie. She explained it as follows, “The Curse of the Mormino is my fault. Rich would have joined the league in 1989, but the morning of the draft, I asked him what was more important … taking me out to dinner, or this stupid baseball league? I told Rich that if he wants me to be his woman, I must always come before baseball. I also told him that he could easily win the league in 1990 even if he skipped 1989. Reluctantly, Rich agreed. Mormino stepped in for Rich, and ever since then he has been cursed.”

Stacie continued, “The other owners don’t realize how much my Richie -poo has suffered from these repeated failures. Rich spends every off-season getting psychiatric treatment to help him cope with losing. The rehabilitation program at the Bill Buckner Clinic has kept his spirits up. Rich meets with others who have been labeled as losers for their inability to win the Big One. Just last month, he met Dan Marino, Barry Bonds and Patrick Ewing. He also met Steve Bartman last week to help deal with the public humiliation. Throughout the treatment, Rich remains obsessed with winning. I feel really bad for him because he tries so hard. I’m afraid that another loss will lead to yet another meltdown. Maybe he should drop out of the league.”

Dropping out is not an option according to Rich. The latest round of therapy has only increased his determination to win. Victory will not come easy, because DeSalvo’s competitors show no signs of letting up, and have no sympathy for his 14 year long drought:

Commissioner Keith Carangelo chimed in, “I enjoy seeing the Curse of the Mormino work its magic, because Rich deserves to suffer! That backstabber takes credit for creating the player protection rules, even though it was my innovation. After he temporarily stole my commissioner job, he created some ridiculous trade guidelines, and used them against me. Last year, he accused me of improperly categorizing Craig Wilson as a catcher four months after the draft. What nerve he has! Everyone knows that this league only exists because of me. I always have been, and I always will be above the law. I can’t wait to stick my guidelines up Rich’s butt.”

Dan added, “Cohen, Smith and I may never win the RSERBBL either. But, at least we were smart enough to sit the league out for a few years … to make sure that Rich always has a longer losing streak than us.”

Ken Daniels commented, “Hey, I haven’t won in fourteen years either, but my predicament is nowhere near as pathetic as Rich. Unlike Rich who spends five months preparing for the draft, I prepare five hours for it. I join because it’s fun, but Rich does it to win. Regardless, with the Curse of the Mormino working against him, I stand a much better chance of winning than Rich.”

Wanker stated, “Rich goes about the baseball league all wrong. He soberly goes into the draft thinking he has a chance to win. The next thing you know, he blurts out the names of Elmer Dessens and Rick Reed. Rich should just accept that he is going to lose. He should drink heavily before, during and after the draft to better enjoy himself … just like I do every year.”

Arum snarled, “I joined this lame league and won it within two years. And, this Rich guy can’t figure it out after fourteen years? I thought this was an expert’s league.”

Clancy blurted out, “Besides Fritz, there is no dumber owner in this league than Rich. Go ahead and shoot me if I don’t win this league in 10% of the time it takes Rich to win it.” The room is silent as John Hunt punches a few numbers into his calculator. He then pulls out his 44 Magnum, and fires a shot into Clancy’s leg and says, “Clancy, you are an idiot! You’ve been in the league three years and that’s way over 10% of the time Rich has been in the league.” Not to worry, Clancy was OK after receiving 137 stitches on his thigh. The medical staff refused Hunt’s suggestion to also stitch his ass closed, because that’s where Clancy talks out of most of the time.

After this unsettling development, the Sports Weekly reporters knew it was time to finish this story. They visited Rich at the clinic. The news about the shooting surprised DeSalvo, “You did WHAT to Clancy?” After laughing out loud for 15 minutes, it was obvious that Rich’s enthusiasm and optimism remains, “Well, that made my day. I can’t wait for the baseball draft on April 3rd. My draft preparation is on schedule. My statistical rankings of all players are complete. My analysis of prior RSERBBL drafts is complete. The timely completion of these activities ensures that I will never do anything dumb, especially on draft day. Furthermore, implanting Ted Williams’ DNA into my brain has given me the mental edge I needed to reach the Promised Land.”

John Hunt countered, “Um, I thought you just said that you would never do anything dumb again. How in the world is Ted’s DNA going to help you win the RSERBBL? You know, he never won the World Series, let alone a fantasy baseball league. You should have implanted Andre’s DNA into your brain because you never finished ahead of him. Or, at the very least, you should have implanted Duck’s DNA because you have only finished ahead of him once in fourteen years.”

Rich responded, “The doctors told me that to win this league, all I needed was something inside of me that my competitors do not have. After seeing the ad where John Henry Williams was selling his dad’s DNA, I knew that I found what I was looking for. The $50,000 cost may seem steep to the average person, but it will look like a bargain when I win. With Ted’s DNA and three extra draft choices, my confidence is at an all-time high. Besides, my 2004 final standings predictor model offers proof that I am going to win.”

DeSalvo explained, “Nobody else in our league can create models like I do, which is why I am the only true soooooooper-genius in the RSERBBL. To prove my super-geniosity, my model predicted that Fritz would win his first football title in 2003 … and he did. If anyone else wants to approach my level of know-how, I strongly recommend the Bill James Fantasy Sports Theory seminars.”

DeSalvo continued on an uninterrupted six-hour long sermon about the best ways to perform statistical analysis according to Bill James. Everyone in the room concluded that Rich must be a member of a satanic Bill James fantasy baseball cult. For the sake of brevity, most of DeSalvo’s delusional rant was not included in this article.

To summarize his comments, DeSalvo scoffed at the notion that all of the factors that go into his model are designed to favor him. Rich reasoned, “Only a low-life like Nick would do that, as evidenced by his inaccurate, self-glorifying predictions from last year.” In explaining his model, Rich believes that four factors with equal weighting determine the final standings in a fantasy baseball league:

Luck Probability, Draft Readiness, Baseball Knowledge, Historical Stupidity

Luck Probability

1) Historically Good Luck -- In each of the last four years, Duck has either finished in first (twice) or second (twice). The odds of that occurring by chance in a 20-team league are a staggering 40,000:1. According to Rich, this does not prove that Duck is smart. Instead, it proves that Duck has been extremely lucky. There is no other explanation for last year, when Esteban Loiaza won 21 games and Rocky Biddle saved 34 games. Fortunately for Rich, only the top five in the all time RSERBBL standings are affected, which means he is unaffected. Duck, Arum, Wanker, Keith and Fritz are negatively affected.

2) Historically Bad Luck -- Long-time owners who “always have bad luck” and never won are in trouble. This is another way of saying stupid. Jeff, Ken, Dan, Fribble, Kitt & Cohen have never won and are stup … er, have “Historically Bad Luck”.

Draft Readiness

3) Repeating draft strategy -- Repeating the same strategy every year is predictable. League owners are getting smarter, and they will catch on if you do everything the same year after year. Cohen, Duck, Nick and Arum are notorious for this mistake.

4) Keepers & Draft Pick Situation -- Obviously, sacrificing draft picks hurts, and acquiring additional draft picks helps. It almost goes without saying that the exception to this rule is Kitt, who has proven over the years that adding draft picks doesn’t help him at all.

Baseball Knowledge

5) Baseball moron factor -- Negatively affects any morons who are capable of asking if Sammy Sosa is available in round #20

Negatively affects any moron who ever protected Phil Plantier or a corpse named Ken Griffey Jr.

A negative score can be assigned to someone who has exhibited a lifetime of comically moronic behavior

6) Attention to Detail -- A great advantage to anyone who has attended the Bill James fantasy baseball seminars

An advantage to anyone who actually works on a list

A disadvantage to anyone who usually stops paying attention two weeks into the season

Historical Stupidity

7) Sacrificing a category every year -- The odds of winning are pretty slim when you sacrifice the same category every year

8) Not being up-to-date -- Picking the 20^th ranked catcher in round #6 (e.g., Smith picking Charles Johnson) cannot be good